Through Dissonance Change Manifests

I walk through my door. The lingering smells of marijuana and the chinese food cooked downstairs each night let me know I’m home. I put on some music and throw my things on the end of the futon. I fall into the desk chair left here by my old roommate and open my computer. I breathe a heavy sigh. I’ve made it through another day, I think. Usually with a more optimistic outlook than how I’ve just described it, but the past week has been less than forgiving for a young man struggling to find his way. The past two days, specifically, I’ve cut class in the morning because I am not motivated enough to get out of bed in time to catch the bus to class. This is upsetting to me because it is not normal. I am not depressed. On the contrary, I am very happy here. However, I think this angst is rooted in a frustration towards the insubstantiality of my normal day. I wake up and go to school where, following my conceptions of secondary education, I should be learning things that will make me a well-rounded individual in society and a valuable asset to the American workforce. Assuming that going to college is, ultimately, the easiest way to earn more money, something They’ve taught us to be the case since a very young age, the pressure to accept that what is being taught is a higher education than what social interaction can offer is very hard for me to succumb to. My distaste for the American economy is so strong (I can not support things that catalyst the ideas of greed and corruption) that the inevitability of contributing to the American workforce for the rest of my life, something They’ve told us to be the case since a very young age, in anything other than a career that makes me happy could very well put me over the edge. Fortunately, I found sociology and psychology. I go to those classes. But to reiterate a previous point, I can’t accept the fact that college will offer me more to life through textbooks and lectures than establishing and maintaining relationships outside of school (I think most people would agree with this statement). However, what is harder for me than maintaining relationships or listening to lectures is maintaining the balance between the social circle and the classroom. I can’t learn about social stratification or differential association theory when what I think is worth knowing is what kind of cookies my best friend likes! In high school, the social circle is set within the classroom but in college the exact opposite is the case. There is a negative correlation between this inbalance of focus in my social circle and school and my outlook on life, pessimistic or optimistic, that will manifest in some sort of change in my internal attitudes. I sense it on the horizon of time.